Living, loving and learning – life after divorce.

Oh Haaaayyyy 2012! You’re lookin’ gooood…. January 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — msbrookie @ 8:10 PM

Holy crap.  It’s 2012!  2012!!!  That’s crazy.  I remember graduating from high school in 1994 like it was yesterday.  You know what I find weird?  One day there will be a generation of people (there probably already are!) who think, “Holy crap!  You lived in the 1900s?!”  Kinda like how I think people who lived in the 1800s might as well have been living among the dinosaurs.


So life in 2012 is good so far.  Fantastic actually!  I start a new job on Monday.  One of my best friends got engaged over Christmas and is expecting her first baby in July, so I’m going to be a-sort-of-Aunt.  I leave for Vegas in a week and a half for a weekend getaway with The Aviator and my brother and his girlfriend.  We’ve had barely any snow and golf-able weather.  Although I don’t golf.  I’m just supposing if I did I’d be happy that there’s golfing weather somewhere in Canada in January.  I bought a really cool vacuum.  You may think I’m lame for thinking this is a good reason to be happy this early in 2012 but  trust me – it is.  I’ve been living without one since July.  I hate sweeping, swiffering whatever.  Nothing sucks like a good vacuum.  I’m no longer walking on crumbs.  It’s the small things people.

Things with The Aviator are good.  Really, really good!  I know I haven’t written much about him but I kind of like it that way.  He doesn’t know about this blog and I feel like if I write about him too much on here, without his knowing, it’s kind of like I’m lying to him or deceiving him somehow.  Does that make sense?  We haven’t even done the whole “In A Relationship With….” thing on Facebook.  I don’t know why.  People who know us personally know we’re dating and together and blah blah blah.  My family knows, his family knows – it’s definitely no big secret.  I’m not trying to hide it, I’m really not.  I like to keep this blog completely apart from my real life – except for those of you I’ve met IRL – so I struggle with the idea of talking about him behind his back so to speak.

Anyone else struggle with that?  That’s why I’ve been kind of quiet on this blog.  Not that he’s the only thing in my life – see above, new job, friends getting married, travel plans etc – but how do you talk about your life on a blog without talking about such an important part of it?


2 Days. November 22, 2011

Filed under: Divorce,Moving On,RAB (the Ex-Husband),The Aviator — msbrookie @ 12:56 PM

In 2 days I will officially, legally be single.  I’ve considered myself single or “not married” for quite some time now, but in 2 days, the Canadian courts will make it official and declare it to be so.   It’s odd, when I wrote this post about receiving the court’s judgement, I was so happy and excited.  But as the official day of divorce approaches (November 24) I found myself – sad.  I have no idea why.  I’m certainly not confused, I don’t regret the decision, I don’t miss the marriage or RAB, so why am I sad?

I never got married with the intention of getting divorced.  Never once did the thought of, “Well if this doesn’t work out there’s always divorce” cross my mind.  I don’t feel like a failure because I got divorced.  I said this before – I KNOW I made the right decision for ME.

I think I feel sad because now it’s real.  I will officially and legally have an ex-husband.   But I don’t think of him like that – to me, he’ll always be RAB – the man I once loved and once married.  I don’t hate the guy – I saw him this weekend for the first time in months and we actually had a few good laughs.

I will officially and legally be an ex-wife.  But I don’t think of myself like that – I’m in a very happy and loving relationship with The Aviator and am always introduced to new people as his “beloved”.

JOBO wrote a good post last week about wondering if we talk about divorce too much.  I think people tend to talk about it negatively way too much.  Now, before I explain myself, let me remind you that I’m very well aware that I don’t have children, I don’t have hate or bitterness towards RAB, I know that I am very lucky to have had such a civil break up, I know I’m the one who pulled the plug and that things can be much, much worse.  I know all of that.  But at the end of the day – don’t we all want the same thing?  Don’t we all want to move on, be happy and start over?  Is fighting over every single last penny worth your sanity?  Is harbouring resentment, angerness, bitterness and ill-will really worth your energy?  Is talking crap about your ex to your friends and family really the way you want to spend your time with them?

I dunno.  Maybe I’m completely naive.  Maybe that’s why I struggle with feeling sad – because it’s expected that I feel like that, so I do?  Do I feel guilty about wanting to go out and celebrate on Thursday because others may find it slightly classless?  Maybe.

Divorce isn’t easy.  I know that.  Divorce isn’t fun – I get that too.  But at the end of the day – divorce is a choice you’ve either made or been handed.  And maybe I’m too full of puppies and rainbows – but I think no matter how you’ve ended up there – divorce is an opportunity to open another door.  While it won’t be without its struggles, divorce can be a good thing, it can be a happy thing and it should be a life changing thing for the better.

That’s how I wish we’d start talking about and living with divorce.  Maybe then I would feel less sad.

(Good lord, I just read this over and have no idea if it makes any sense – but alas, I shall now hit “Publish” because my lunch break is over!)


I Did It. November 9, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — msbrookie @ 4:03 PM

You guys – I got my Divorce Judgement on Friday. It’s been approved, stamped and filed. I will be officially divorced as of Thursday November 24, 2011.

I opened up the big brown envelope (knowing what was in it because I had addressed it to myself when filing all of the papers on my own) and slumped to the floor in my front hall.

I read that one piece of paper probably 100 times over just to make sure everything was saying what I wanted it to say.

I rode a wave of emotions while sitting on the floor for 20 minutes. I was happy, ecstatic, sad, lonely, guilt-ridden, joyful, tearful, excited but most of all – proud.

The first thing I thought to myself when I realized the judgement was approved was, “I did it.” I made the single most courageous choice I could have made. I stood up for me. I stood my ground. I did what was right for me. It’s been a long 2 years figuring out what to do, deciding what to do and then doing what I needed to do. I did it.

And I’m proud of me.

C’mooooon November 24th.


Update #2 – The Living Sitch October 19, 2011

Filed under: Dad,Moving On,RAB (the Ex-Husband),The Aviator — msbrookie @ 8:53 PM

Leaving my house was probably one of the hardest things to deal with.  It was the first house I (we) had ever owned.  I had such a great time picking out new paint colours, designing every room, putting little touches here and there.  I loved the fact that I had a back yard, a back porch and a big front porch facing a park.  We were on a cul-de-sac of sorts so there was very little traffic.  I loved our neighbours, I loved the walking paths, I loved the dog parks – I loved everything.

Once I told RAB that I wanted a divorce, I moved in to our guest room.  Have you ever tried being roommates with your husband who you just informed you no longer want to be married to?  I don’t recommend it.  So uncomfortable and weird and just plain awkward.  Like so many other people, we had purchased our home during the boom year of 2007 and with the crash of 2008 – we were in no position to be able to list our house for sale immediately – unless we wanted to fork over a $15,000 mortgage penalty in addition to the $12,000 realtor fees.  So we decided we would wait to sell closer to the time our mortgage is up for renewal – August 2012.  There was no way I was going to live as his roommate until then so I moved in with my Dad, which was supposed to be short term until I could find a place of my own.   Fast forward 11 months later and I was still living with my Dad.  How could I not though?  He has a sweet executive condo overlooking the river, just outside of downtown.  I had my own bedroom with a river view, my own bathroom with a steam shower and my Dad is a really, really good BBQ-er.  I was able to save money while paying down debt – it was a really good deal.

However, I was still – living with my Dad.  Not something someone wants to do their entire adult life.  Even though he was trying to convince me to stay for another year or until the house sold, I found my own one bedroom apartment outside of downtown – minus the river views.  I have been here since July 1 and love it.  I`ve only ever lived on my own for six months of my life.  I had always had roommates prior to moving in with RAB.  I had my own place for 6 months but then a friend of mine invited me to live with her in a new townhouse for dirt cheap and I couldn`t pass it up.

I now have my own place.  My own furniture.  My own stuff.  New stuff.  Old stuff.  Family stuff.  I love all of it.  I can decorate it how I want.  I can put things where I want.  I can clean when I want.  I can make the bed when I want.  It`s so fantastic.  It has a dishwasher, it`s on the top floor of a concrete building, it has a brand new kitchen and bathroom and even though I don`t own it – it`s mine.

As per my separation agreement with RAB, I`m still paying a portion of the mortgage and I`m paying my own rent so sometimes things are a little tight – but I really wouldn`t have it any other way.  Anything beats living in a house I love with a husband I do not.  I heard a saying recently that there is nothing worse than a lonely marriage – and it`s true.  Even though The Aviator comes over a couple of nights a week (more on him is coming … I promise!) I enjoy my alone time now.  I don`t dread anyone coming home, I don`t dread any potential fights or arguments and I don`t dread not meeting any expectations.

We will be listing our house this Spring with the hopes of possession in June or July.  So while I`m still paying for a house I no longer live in, I`m really happy and blessed and lucky that I can afford to pay a portion of a mortgage and my own rent.  It`s not ideal – but it affords me independence and I wouldn`t trade that for anything.





Update #1 – The Divorce October 10, 2011

Filed under: Christmas,Divorce,RAB (the Ex-Husband) — msbrookie @ 1:59 PM

I know I’ve been gone awhile so I thought I’d do a couple of Update posts.  Looking back on the past 16 months, it seems as though some things have  gone by so quickly, while other things continue to drag on.


I guess the most important update would have to do with the status of my divorce.  Let’s face it, it’s why I started this blog.  Even though RAB and I separated 16 months ago, I am still not yet legally divorced.  I know I could complain that it’s been such a long drawn out process, but the truth is, I’m thankful for how smoothly it’s gone, even though I do wish it was a little quicker.  In Canada there are 3 ways to divorce, the most common one being having to be separated for one year.  RAB and I have been legally separated since June 24, 2010 so we were free to start the divorce process as of that date.


We both agreed to do this without lawyers as we were amicable, we had already divided up our “stuff” and had already come to agreements regarding the house.  It’s been a learning experience having to do it on our own, but at the end of the day, I know we are saving thousands of dollars.  And let’s be honest, when I say “doing it on our own”, I clearly mean – me.  I’ve been the one doing all of the research, gathering all of the paperwork, going back and forth from the courthouse and so on.  One of the biggest things I’m thankful for is that I didn’t need to hire a process  server to actually have RAB served with the divorce papers.  I didn’t want someone showing up on his job site or at the house or at his family’s house to have the papers officially served.   I found out that I could get a close friend to do it and RAB and I actually decided who we wanted to do it.  Ironically enough, we chose the person who introduced us, “Alice”, the one who also admitted she would lie to me and cover for RAB.  So, I knew she would be willing to help RAB out and I knew that he trusted her.  She was able to hand deliver the papers to him at her house and then she, her husband and RAB had dinner and some drinks – pretty nice way to get served with divorce papers,  I think.


The papers were served at the end of July but because of Alice’s work and travel schedule, she was unable to come with me to have the Affidavit of Service signed until the end of September.  So finally, as of September 22, all of our paperwork has been filed.  I’ve been told that we should receive the copies of the Divorce Order within 8 weeks and then the divorce would become legal 30 days after that.


So here’s hoping that I should be legally divorced days before my favourite time of year – Christmas.  Even though we’ll still be joint owners of a house and will have to deal with that in the Spring, the divorce certificate would be a fantastic Christmas present.


Test … Test … Is This Thing On? October 5, 2011

Oh my.  Good Lord.  This thing is a little dusty hey?

So … Hi!  How are you?  Is anybody even out there?

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m still here.  Albeit, I had to stare at the log in screen on WordPress for awhile because part of me even forgot my log in name.  That’s not good.  Look at all the changes they’ve made around here too.  How the hell do I post a new post?

So here’s the thing.  I decided to take the summer off of blogging.  Not to say that blogging is a burden.  Not to say that I don’t enjoy it.  But just to say that I didn’t beat myself up for not writing.  For not sharing.  For not taking note of what I should be taking note of.  For not wondering which moments in life were blog worthy.  I just wanted to experience, enjoy and truly live my summer.

Now –  this is so NOT to say that I think that any of you who did blog over the past few months, missed out on enjoying your summer, not at all.  In fact, I’ve kept up with all of you.  While I may not have been commenting, I’ve definitely been following.  From marathon running to engagements to travelling to break ups to finding new loves … I’ve still been following all of you and damn, you’ve been busy!

I felt the need to just allow myself to live and enjoy and love my summer.  I left RAB at the end of June of 2010 so didn’t really get to enjoy the full summer.  We continued to live in the same house until the end of July 2010 – so most of my summer of 2010 was consumed with dreading ending my marriage, actually ending my marriage and moving out of my marital home.

The summer of 2011 was quite different.

It was filled with plenty of travel, plenty of laughs, plenty of music, plenty of friends … and yes, plenty of love.  I am in love, love, love with the man of mystery from my last post and it is divine.  I’m happy, giddy and so confident now in my decision and choices.

But more on that later.

Just wanted to check in.  Let you know I’m alive.  Let you know I haven’ t gone anywhere.  Let you know that I’ll be around more often. That, I promise.


When You Didn’t Even Know It Was Possible June 4, 2011

Filed under: Boys,Dating,Divorce,love,Moving On — msbrookie @ 8:17 PM

I don’t even know how to start this post.

Do I start with how in 3 short weeks I’ll finally be able to file for divorce?

Do I start with explaining the painfully slow process I’m going through in trying to find my own apartment?

Do I start with saying how I’m still going to have to be a homeowner with my soon to be ex-husband for another year because of the still crappy real estate market and a $10,000 mortgage penalty hanging over our heads?

Do I start with the story about my new tattoo?


Do I start by telling you how head over heals in love I am?

Hmmm.  Tough one.

They say things happen when you least expect it.

Or that love will find you when you stop looking for it.

Or that what you’ve been looking for has been under your nose the entire time.

All three are so true I can’t even begin to tell you.

“He” of course shall remain nameless on this blog, but I have yet to come up with a blog moniker that suits him.  I’ve been trying to think of one for awhile but all of them end up sounding so cheesy that I’d rather not.  But oh my goodness, never mind that – I can not – CAN NOT – believe how happy I am and have been for the past month or so.

It would be such a long post to get in to how I know him.  I’ve known him since I was 14 years old and 21 years later this friendship has turned into what is so far, one of the great loves of my life.  Since leaving RAB almost a year ago, he has been one of my most solid friends.  Whenever we would get together, he would ask how I was and mean it.  He would follow up on previous conversations we’d had to see if anything had changed.  He remembered everything I told him.  We may have been in a noisy bar with a hockey game on in the background – but he focused on me and what I had to say.  I never felt as though he wasn’t listening.  I never felt as though he was just asking to be polite.  He actually listened.  He remembered things.  He asked questions.  He gave opinions.  He’d ask me how I was and was never satisfied with a “fine”.  “No”, he’d say, “How ARE you?”.

When we weren’t hanging out together, we were in constant communication over BBM.  When I was in Vegas, when he was in Victoria, when I was in California – constant communication.  He’d call me at work just to say “I hope you’re having a good day, looking forward to seeing you after work!”  That’s it.

Over the past few months, I started developing feelings.  I started looking at him differently.  I started really, really looking forward  to seeing him.  My heart would skip a beat when my BBM would go off.  But I was too scared to say anything.  Some of you know what happened when I dated another good friend of mine a few years ago – but you can’t always tell your heart what to do.

To make a long story short, he was the first to tell me how he felt and that he thought it was time for us to take our friendship to the next level.  He was game to try it out, he couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, he had no interest in anyone else.  He had wanted this for some time and he just wanted me to know.  After a lot of thought, a lot of consideration and some good advice from a friend of mine I decided to go for it.  I didn’t want to wonder “What If”.  I wanted to go for it, I wanted to see where it took me, where it took us.

And holy … am I ever glad I did.  Realizing you’re in love with one of your best friends is such a high and incredible experience it’s so hard to describe.  He knows me.  He has seen me at my emotional rock bottom, he has seen me in my gangly awkward teenaged years, he has seen me tipsy, drunk and downright hammered.  He has picked me up, he has always had confidence in me, he has always encouraged me, he has always boosted my confidence and most of all – he has always, always allowed me to be ME.  Just plain old me.

He loves – is *passionate*about –  music.  Sitting listening to music, talking about new bands, old bands is one of our most favourite things to do.  Most Saturday nights you’ll find us doing iPod wars until 4 in the morning.  He loves movies – action, drama and chick flicks.  He’s not too macho to admit that “Love, Actually” is one of his favourite movies.

Yes, we have used the “L” word.  And I do.  I love him with everything in my being.  This is not someone I met 3 weeks ago – this is someone I’ve know for 21 years of my life.  We talk about how certain things happened in our life to bring us right where we are – right now.  How we always wondered about each other but due to certain reasons, for future posts to follow, it probably wasn’t right or appropriate for us to be together.  How we both realized that life is short, how when you know, you know, and how sometimes, you just have to throw caution to the wind and give in and hold on tight.

As I sit here typing this, he is somewhere in the air between here and Palm Springs, on his way home from a week long golf trip.  As I said to him, I can’t properly articulate how excited I am for him to get home.  He lands in 32 minutes and I want to crawl outside of my body, I’m so excited.

So there you go.  Now you know why I’ve been a little quiet over here.

But I also do get to file for divorce in 3 short weeks!

I am also looking for an apartment and it is a painfully slow process.

I also do have to hold on to my house for another year because of the crappy market and mortgage penalty.

And I also did get a new tattoo.

More on those later.  Once I find an apartment and once I file for divorce I think my life will slow down a bit and I’ll be able to breath a bit easier.

But for now, I must go freshen up as I expect my love to walk through the door in one short hour.

(I think I just became that sappy girl.  I’ll try to keep it in check!)




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